SELECT * FROM limericks

Just a collection of various limericks written by yours truly.
I also post them to Mastodon[↗]. (Don’t forget to check out my haiku next!)

96 poems

The muse of writing poetry is my thrill
I'm scratching the itch and the page with my quill
Into this, tens of hours I sink
Dipping now and then in the ink
But my careless motions result in a spill
March 29, 2023

A hiker once planned to traverse rough terrain
He set out to conquer the mountains of Spain
However, he clearly lacked the skill,
for anything but a measly hill
From the cramp in his legs, he suffered great pain
March 28, 2023

Blackbeard ordered the anchor be dropped by a drunk
The pirate's crewman, still holding on to it, sunk
He was rescued from this mishap
cause only he could read the map
So the sailor woke up hung over in his bunk
March 27, 2023

Some cruel criminal basked in the glory
about how for his crime he didn't feel sorry
'Til it came to the trial
where he switched to denial
But neither judge not jury bought his story
March 26, 2023

A bored white-collar worker was once much admired
because by his environment he was inspired
He, 'bout paper, scissors, and glue,
wrote the most beautiful haiku
But due to unproductivity he was fired
March 25, 2023

A sergeant once made an order so terrible
He then later tried not to be responsible
The sound of each exploding shell
Created a soundscape of hell
So he claimed his order to stop wasn't audible
March 24, 2023

The billionaires are delirious
Their plans for our future are spurious
Only talking out their arse
about colonizing mars
Such hubris can make one furious
March 23, 2023

Considering each toxic chemical
One can too easily turn cynical
Even weeks after the spill
Wildlife is still falling ill
“So what… After all, life's ephemeral!”
March 22, 2023

After being betrayed by every institution
The disenfranchised masses threatened retribution
The state then sent the police
ensuring there wouldn't be peace
In a just world, they would have received restitution
March 21, 2023

Each night, I am driven to insanity
Enduring the worst known to humanity
The faucet will make me flip
I'm forced to hear every drip
Silence is disturbed by profanity
March 20, 2023

The first human to have a brother
was cursed by deeds of their mother
Even though they were kin,
one was destined to sin
He ended up killing the other
March 19, 2023

There once was a scientist who promised to shrink
A battleship, but he did not stop to think
While a great asset for defense,
the vessel ended up more dense
Conserving its mass, it would thus surely sink
March 18, 2023

A king's twin once sought to reclaim the crown
He snuck out at dark in his sleeping gown
One lock he had to pick
But blunt force did the trick
Yet wearing it, he just looked like a clown
March 17, 2023

There once was a man who loved a quarter pounder
He ate them every day, which made him much rounder
And he, by his own admissions,
did not care for his emissions
His craving on meat makes him a real bounder
March 16, 2023

There once was a worker who was myopic
All his colleagues thought he looked idiotic
But when threatened with layoff
his weirdness would pay off
'Cause his careful motions seemed robotic
March 14, 2023

There once was a pharaoh of great hubris
Who believed he could sneak past Anubis
But as he started creeping out
he was picked up by ears and snout
So the flight of the mummy was fruitless
March 12, 2023

There once was a fat and hungry priest
who planned to indulge in a great feast
He thought he locked the dog out
But that he was wrong about
All the food was ravaged by the beast
March 10, 2023

For knowledge my heart is burning
For great wisdom, I am yearning
With the book between my hands
Ignorant of its contents
Too lazy to do the learning
March 8, 2023

The dark cloud's growth is now exponential
It carries water with high potential
Above the land it hovers
And scoffs at puny covers
The coming downpour will be torrential
March 7, 2023

An ambitious pilot sought to fly high
so he pointed the nose up to the sky
He recovered from the stall
After a terrifying fall
But back down the airline told him “Goodbye!”
March 6, 2023

A triangle once on a tangent went
'bout curves which to a circle were bent
The strict rules of Euclid's construction
Allow geometric reproduction
The round shape was touched without consent
March 3, 2023

A genius baker once set out to bake
the best and most tasty chocolate cake
Not being the modest type
he conjured a lot of hype
So his good reputation was at stake
March 1, 2023

My garden was surrounded by a tall hedge
To cut it down for a clear view was my pledge
I started cutting it down
But soon resigned with a frown
Turns out, it's actually the forest's edge
February 27, 2023

A red shingle fell from the roof
which was thus no longer rainproof
The owner with his gun
hunted pigeons for fun
So it was knocked down by the goof
February 26, 2023

There once was a bad contractor
who always chose the wrong vector
All beams were the wrong length
His buildings had no strength
This drove mad every inspector
February 25, 2023

“Oh mirror, oh mirror at the wall
Don't I look perfect for tonight's ball?
Confirm my glamour
or feel this hammer!”
“Such pride will only end in your fall!”
February 24, 2023

There once was a schoolboy who would rather chill
So he'd stay in bed and pretend to be ill
With red marker and haste
he dappled over his face
But his mother made him take a nasty pill
February 23, 2023

There was a genius in quantum science
But he had some issues with compliance
He gave to the public domain
Yet his punishment was insane
They destroyed his findings in defiance
February 22, 2023

Right ear in agony I skelp
I moan, cry and yelp like a whelp
Pain in my orifice
Stings like a platypus
Could a wrapped onion maybe help
February 21, 2023

There once was a girl called Heather
who was as light as a feather
And since she was a witch
she could without a hitch
fly high up and change the weather
February 20, 2023

A jester was once under pressure
to perform for royalty's pleasure
At first, he tried juggling,
But he was struggling
And just threw around the king's treasure
February 18, 2023

And it goes on and on: Ticktock, ticktock
Swinging the pendulum as if to mock
The prey peaks out sometimes
It will pay for this crime
Our cat stalks the bird that lives in the clock
February 17, 2023

A poet once wrote a naughty sentence
and refused all chance at repentance
But he lived at a time
where such speech was a crime
So a judge gave him a harsh sentence
February 16, 2023

In the glistening summer heat
The farmers must harvest the wheat
Not yet pillaging
Soldiers are marching
Scythes swing to the drumming beat
February 12, 2023

A brave boy was once told by a fairy
of a quest that would be legendary
They called him a weirdo
for playing Nintendo
So he preferred the imaginary
February 11, 2023

From sacred temples in jungles, he stole
But one time Dr. Jones played an important role
From the priceless ark
came the first dooming spark
And thus Belloq paid dearly with his soul
February 10, 2023

Two jesters were once feeling brave
With words, they sought to misbehave
“Let's be risk averse
And go risk a verse”
The king's wrath doomed them to the grave
February 9, 2023

The city gave paupers potato mash
And wealthy farmers thought to make some cash
Disguised, they lined up and ate
So food prices would inflate
But the city was taking from their stash
February 8, 2023

A thief who did once as guilty plead
then said he stole the food out of need
The fat judge could relate
Time passed since last he ate
To join the buffet, they both were freed
February 7, 2023

There once was a brilliant musician
but not out of his own volition
The posh guests were having fun
But in his case hid a gun
He was a hitman on a mission
February 6, 2023

Say, have you really never heard
the story about the drunk songbird
His every third word
Through hiccups, he slurred
I know, it does sound very absurd
February 5, 2023

A torpedo once raced with a sting ray
to the shore of a small secluded bay
Triggered by goal proximity
one felt a burst of energy
Electric mobility won that day
February 4, 2023

The greatest answer, he had shown
But it made all the scientists groan
“It is forty-two…
To what I have no clue”
So the question remained unknown
February 2, 2023

There once was a melancholic, sad clown
Who always felt depressed and very down
"Until he found the antidote:"
A nose pinch plays a funny note
He turned into a smile what was a frown
January 31, 2023

The black, stray dog seemed to want a snack
Harry and Hermione wanted Ron back
Then they heard a crack
in the Shrieking Shack
That's how the three met Sirius Black
January 30, 2023

An officer once dared to talk smack
Recalling the minutes, wished to take it back
Thus spurred to prescient action,
he ordered full redaction
So they had all pages covered in black
January 29, 2023

A poet once went through his words at home
His failure drove him to spitting foam
No matter how much he rehearsed
He just memorized them reversed
How lucky, each one was a palindrome
January 28, 2023

Ore that from the mountain he brought
Into a sharpened blade he wrought
All cut in a single swing
To pay the debt to his king
“How useful is my scythe!”, he thought
January 27, 2023

There once was a school boy full of sass
Didn't care to pay attention in class
Because he studied rarely
and knew the topics barely
When finals came round, he would not pass
January 26, 2023

A miner was once tasked to fetch coal
Ahead he saw some giant rocks roll
Not feeling quite so brave,
he crept into the cave
to find a rummaging mountain troll
January 25, 2023

A criminal convinced himself that he
should not confess but as innocent plea
To the court he made his case
The charges they should erase
But judge disagreed so he tried to flee
January 24, 2023

There once was a teacher at a school
who acted quite like the greatest fool
Wanting only to teach
Gave a very long speech
When the kids fell asleep, he lost his cool
January 23, 2023

The daily rhyming can be a chore
I can't keep my poem streak no more
But don't want to regret
So I must not forget
Reading my output is quite a bore
January 21, 2023

Daedalus gave Icarus a hint
Who stared towards the sun with a squint
“Spread your wings and go fly,
but do not climb too high”
It happened anyway due to wind
January 20, 2023

Two thieves wanted to steal a jewel
One went to work with a power tool
But for such an approach
Came swiftly the reproach
“You'll trip the alarm, you recless fool!”
January 17, 2023

Roy and Moss were standing still and by
waiting for the bomb diffusing guy
Funny, how it should be,
t'was a problem with the IT
“It's Vista.” “We're going to die!”
January 16, 2023

A landlord, to increase the rent,
started tearing up the pavement
“The bricks will arrive soon
It will be fixed by June”
But turned out to be permanent
January 15, 2023

Pirates played poker for gold
One thought it was getting old
When he looked away,
t'was his turn to play
He had no chance but to fold
January 14, 2023

A witch once uncorked a brew out of thirst
But her cat knocked over the flask, which burst
“You foul creature… rot in hell!”
“Oh, did I just cast a spell?”
Her anger left the pet badly cursed
January 13, 2023

There was a king who lived in a castle
As a secret nudist, quite a hassle
Once he was caught by a maid
Royal curtains came to aid
Decency was secured by the tassle
January 12, 2023

A man was once cursed with sleepwalking
Annoyingly, he would also be talking
What foul secrets might he spill
A reason for her to kill
His wife had no choice but to keep stalking
January 11, 2023

A boy was out on the beach at low tide
To build the biggest sand castle, he tried
Bully came over, tumbling
A kick sent it crumbling
Stepped on a shell, so it was he who cried
January 10, 2023

There once was a very fastidious guy
To complain endlessly, he was not shy
Made mountain from molehill
Until his friends lost their chill
"They all got annoyed and told him: “Goodbye.”"
January 9, 2023

There once was a droid that was all knowing
The facts it knew were truly mind-blowing
When asked how it was acquired
It said it was all hard-wired
Thus, cracks in its wisdom started showing
January 8, 2023

A man once flew a plane with his brother
They fought over control of the rudder
“Lemme have a go with the stick!”
“No way!” “Oh, don't be a dick!”
The following tailspin made them judder
January 7, 2023

“There was an orange man in politics
Openly inciting brutal conflicts…”
“A poem on the riot?
No Trump here, please! Be quiet!”
“It should not surprise on January sixth!”
January 6, 2023

“Come here, my love, and do give me a kithhh!”
“Oh, joyous moment of such utter blithhh!”
Two snakes in their love entwined
Through entanglement confined
Have I told you the lisping lovers myth?
January 5, 2023

Tragic end to a dinner so sublime
I was doused with gallons of smelly slime
Current plumbing maintenance
produced excrement ordnance
A rupture in our shared romantic time
January 4, 2023

A prankster thought to cause chaotic events
He convinced his two most gullable friends
They bet collectible stamps
He wouldn't dare touch hundred amps
They all felt the shock because they held hands
January 3, 2023

There once was a woman flaunting her wealth
Wore a gold necklace to adorn herself
She felt it tear off her neck
Shouted surprised, “What the heck?”
A thief had snuck up on her using stealth
January 2, 2023

Still cleaning up small pieces from the lawn
My mouth gaped open for a giant yawn
Night of firework glitter
Then cleaning up the litter
Not worth staying up until morning dawn
January 1, 2023

There once was a runner speeding so fast
All other contestants he quickly passed
A coin sparkled on the ground
He stopped for it and turned round
So unfortunately he finished last
December 31, 2022

There once was a daring caver, quite bold
He felt the same hollows were getting old
From a crevice came a glow
Temptation spelling his woe
Never got out, but at least he found gold
December 30, 2022

There once was an online store (book retail)
Took weeks to get my order in the mail
Besides minimal support
This mess may drag me to court
I promise… to me, they made their last sale
December 29, 2022

Entranced I stare at the movement so neat
Synchronized animation to the beat
“Tick tock?” Will it ever stop?
Glance at clock, back at laptop
Took a while to see it was on repeat
December 28, 2022

Wave goodbye, close the door and turn the key
At last from Christmas madness we are free
Wrapped boxes have now been gifted
Curse of visiting lifted
Last vestige is now just a lonely tree
December 27, 2022

How I wish it would have remained unseen
Oh, almost missed it in the in-between
Now I have to check what's up
Thus wasting hours on the app
Cursed icon in top left of the screen
December 26, 2022

Since he had no desire to get thinner,
We left preparing to the breadwinner
Jerking back from burning heat
Shattered plate and dropped the meat
"Result: Vegetarian Christmas dinner"
December 25, 2022

The festivities are imminent now
Still must find presents for everyone. How?
Vouchers still beat just money
Vacation somewhere sunny?
Guess I'll be gone and hide this Christmas. Ciao!
December 21, 2022

During class, he would rather take a nap
Yet then the final exam was a snap
Answered all that he was asked
The test thus flawlessly passed
But the text book lay open in his lap
December 20, 2022

A powerful surge throws the duck ashore
The calm waveless seas are nevermore
Giant on water crashes
Foam flies as the beast splashes
Jump in the bathtub is never a bore
December 19, 2022

I stop to watch a few birds take a bath
Ringing of bells tell of a speeding wrath
Just in time, I turn around
Evade the source of the sound
“Make way and get out of the cycling path!”
December 18, 2022

Nobody was needed for me to tell
(The cookies emit a delicious smell)
The baking at last complete
Off to the kitchen I speed
Oh the greed! Slipped on the tiles and fell
December 17, 2022

“The Modern Robin Hood” that is his name
A genius good deed is his claim to fame
"His startup funding: billions"
Gave it away to millions
Now he's broke, can't pay it back, what a shame
December 16, 2022

Snail and turtle raced, since it couldn't be shared
A piece of sweet fallen fruit, not be spared
Snail found itself in a pinch
Almost outpaced by an inch
But a crow as the winner was declared
December 15, 2022

To neutrality, they were committed
Just versus unjust, they thus had pitted
“It is but their conviction”
“Fascist threat? Only fiction!”
Atrocities thereby they permitted
December 14, 2022

"A horror which I could not have believed:"
How could they have been so bloody deceived?
Flight by force denied
I am petrified
The curtains close, catharsis is achieved
December 13, 2022

Two men in a pub; having their last beer
“We wear the same hat”, they notice and cheer
Raised glass a toast indicates
His peer reciprocates
"Mirrors at the bar: Stupid idea"
December 12, 2022

I saw a mural on the boulevard
It was the most profound, in my regard
Just a completely white wall
"And the meaning of it all:"
A polar bear who's lost in a blizzard
December 11, 2022

Lately, a Hedgehog demonstrated
A cozy burrow it had created
Stored enough cacti to eat
It had a spiked drink to sleep
Content, it curled up and hibernated
December 10, 2022

My daily foe is so very vicious
Facing it un-shielded was ambitious
It blocks the sun with a roar
Suddenly harsh icy pour
Dutch December weather is capricious
December 9, 2022

For winter movie night, cold drinks be nice
Putting outside for a bit will suffice
Choice of the movie debate
Pizza arrival await
But now refreshments have frozen to ice
December 8, 2022

Life was truly seldom any bleaker
I tap the ethanol-filled beaker
Blindly grasping for the moon
Alas, I must've gone immune
“What doesn't kill you makes you weaker”
December 7, 2022

The ladder that I was forced to climb broke
Or maybe it was the branch of an oak
Not knowing how it could be
Plummeting into the sea
Until I opened my eyes and awoke
December 6, 2022

Pure as if distilled from a vial
Smooth like from a dozen grinds with a file
Artificial perfection
Made to specification
Although it is painful, forcing a smile
December 5, 2022

Bound to my chair, under a mental shroud
Paper and desk obscured by a thick cloud
Weak thought-hand coordination
Obstructs communication
The stroke of my quill betrays me, no doubt
December 4, 2022